


oh, you wicked katsudon

by Emily_Nicaoidh



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Relationship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Panic Attacks, Top!Yuuri, Toys, anxiety!Yuuri, bottom!viktor, experienced viktor, inexperienced yuuri, reference to past top viktor bottom yuuri but nothing explicit there, yuuri tops for the first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 13:27:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8981752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emily_Nicaoidh/pseuds/Emily_Nicaoidh
Summary: Viktor wants to try something new; Yuuri is unsure and anxious.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains a detailed description of Yuuri having a panic attack during consensual sex with Viktor. I wrote it based on my own experiences as a person with serious anxiety, so it might be different from how some of yall have experienced anxiety. If that is something that would harm you to read about, please take care of yourself and don't read this fic.

“Viktor….” Yuuri bit his lip before the rest of the sentence could escape and there it was anyway, boiling up inside his chest, drowning and strangling him both at once. He was choking; he was was about to vomit.

 

“Yeah?” Viktor didn’t appear to have noticed. That was one tiny, shining point in this disaster. “Want something?” He smirked down at Yuuri, his eyes glinting.

 

 _Of course he already knows,_ Yuuri thought helplessly. _He probably knew before I did._

 

“I--,” Yuuri tried to say it, he really did, but his tongue wouldn’t obey him and he had no idea what he was trying to say anyway.

 

“Yuuri, I want--,” Viktor paused, letting out a slow breath. He lowered his face to Yuuri’s neck and traced along the line of Yuuri’s collarbone with his tongue. Yuuri shuddered underneath him and squeezed his eyes shut.  “So much. I want so much.”

 

“Ahh--Viktor...” Yuuri gasped as Viktor bit down on this skin above his nipple, sucking at it lazily.

 

“I want everything,” Viktor breathed. He lowered himself to his elbows, supporting his weight over Yuuri’s chest. Somehow the pressure of Viktor’s weight on him relieved some of the tension inside and Yuuri breathed a little easier. “I want _everything_ ,” he repeated, nibbling at Yuuri’s nipple.

 

And like that, Yuuri was lost again, staring up at Viktor, wondering how long he could go without breathing because it seemed impossible, and his lungs were burning and his heart was trying to burst free from his chest and it was too much, so much all at once--

 

“You know what I want right now though?” Viktor asked, leaning forward again and brushing Yuuri’s lips with his own.

 

“I th-think so,“ Yuuri stuttered, barely able to get the words out.

 

He wanted this, he really did. He wanted it _desperately._ It scared Yuuri how much he wanted it. It was always like this at the beginning, Viktor’s breath and Viktor’s hands, and oh _fuck_ Viktor’s mouth were too much, and the panic would rise up around him, dragging him fathoms deep into the cold, inky darkness where he couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe, and then when Viktor would--he couldn’t even think the words, when Viktor was _there,_ it was all bright and blank and clear, and he could open his eyes and see Viktor’s, see the adoration shining through onto him, and he basked in it, and then when Viktor started to really move and Yuuri felt himself shuddering apart beneath him it was glorious. A spring day, surrounded by falling petals. A late winter snow on top of crocus buds. Sunlight streaming through angry clouds after a storm.  It was perfection, it was more than he had ever dreamed of, it was exactly what he needed.

 

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor whispered into his mouth, pausing between words to tease at Yuuri’s tongue, his lips, his cheeks. “I don’t think you do.” He shifted his weight, pressing closer to Yuuri, letting the heaviness settle onto him.

 

“Y-you want to--you want _that,_ ” Yuuri couldn’t finish the sentence. Viktor’s lips closed around his earlobe and and sucked hard, tugging at him with his teeth. “What we--”

 

“No. I want you to have me, this time,” Viktor whispered. “I want you, Katsudon.”

 

Yuuri didn’t know if it was the words or the incomprehensible thing that Viktor was doing to the inside of his ear with his tongue that tipped him over the edge, but he was upside down, falling, drowning. He could hear the blood pounding in his ears, in his hands, in his fingers which were stretched out, disobedient, immovable. He could hear Viktor’s voice, barely, as though he were listening through a tin can filled with water against a window. Everything blurred, and above him Viktor seemed to grow more and more distant, floating away from Yuuri as he was pulled, breathless, back to the depths.

 

The depths where he belonged. How could he have thought...how could any of this be real? No. It was impossible. None of this could be happening, it all had to be some kind of cruel trick of his malformed neurotransmitters, a new way they had invented to torment him. His lungs were aching, burning, and he tried to draw a breath and gagged on his tongue.

 

It was dark, too dark, smothering him, rain-spattered windows opening and letting the sea rush in and consume him. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he had last taken a breath. His lungs were fire, his heart surely about to explode.

 

Yuuri drowned.

 

\--

 

He woke in hell, and registered the damage to his body incrementally. His hands were sore, the knuckles red and strained. He unclenched his fists slowly, revealing the rusty half-moons etched into his palms. His chest hurt. His head swam as though he were hungover and his throat burned. He didn’t want to open his eyes, but no, that was happening too, all out of his control, and he sucked down air in a ragged breath, choking and coughing.

 

“Oh, love,” Viktor murmured. “I broke you. I am so, so sorry. I should have noticed what was happening.”

 

“How--how long?” Yuuri managed to get the words out, dragging in a breath in between words and trying to bully his raw, coppery tongue into cooperating.

 

“Were you out?” Viktor finished the question for him, and Yuuri nodded. “Maybe a half hour. It--it seemed best to let you sleep it off a little.”

 

“M sorry,” Yuuri slurred, his torn tongue sluggish to form the words.

 

“It’s--” Viktor began, but Yuuri shoved the blankets off of himself and sat up.

 

“Don’t.” The anger and loathing gave him the strength to stand, and he stepped away from the bed, away from Viktor, steadying himself with a hand on the dressing table when he started to sway on his feet. “Don’t you dare say it’s not my fault.”

 

His eyes burned with salty shame and disgust, and he turned his back to Viktor. This was a different species of overwhelming--the raw, burning shame that always followed when he woke and realized what had happened, _again_ , that he was still too weak to keep it together like a normal person. Still a mess. His pulse was echoing in his ears with the words _failure failure failure, you will never be normal,_ and the salt scalded his face.

 

“I won’t, then,” Viktor said. His voice was distant but cool hands wrapped around his waist, tugging Yuuri off balance a little so that he leaned back into Viktor. Viktor’s hair brushed the back of his neck and Yuuri shivered. “I’ll say this instead. I want you, Katsuki Yuuri. I _still_ want you. Will you come back to bed with me?”

 

“A-ah. Are we going to--,” Yuuri’s cheeks burned for a different reason, and he found he couldn’t complete the question.

 

“I would really, really like that, but we don’t have to,” Viktor said carefully. He took a small step back, not releasing his hold on Yuuri, edging the pair of them back towards the bed.

 

“It’s not--no, I--,” Yuuri protested.

 

“You do?” There was something in Viktor’s voice this time that made Yuuri’s toes curl, and he turned around, leaning back into Viktor and pressing his forehead to Viktor’s.

 

“I do,” Yuuri whispered. “I don’t know how but I do, I really do.”

 

“I’ll walk you through it,” Viktor promised, closing his eyes and tasting the tear tracks on Yuuri’s cheeks. “Oh, Katsudon.”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes and leaned against Viktor until they fell onto the bed, landing hard on Viktor’s stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

 

“Oh God. I’m sorry. Are you--” Yuuri babbled, terrified.

 

“Oh, you wicked Katsudon,” Viktor said when he could breathe again, and his voice was darker, delighted. “I’m not fragile.”

 

Yuuri gulped and nodded, mirroring Viktor’s earlier posture and burying his face in Viktor’s neck. The salt tracks smeared and spread over Viktor’s shoulders and neck, erasing the evidence of Yuuri’s earlier shame from his face, and they stayed there for long moments, breathing together.

 

“You’re sure?” Viktor asked. “We really don’t have to.” He pulled one of Yuuri’s palms to his face and kissed the rust-spotted, torn skin.

 

“I want this,” Yuuri whispered. “Tell me what to do.”

 

“Can I kiss you?” Viktor asked, and before the last word was even out Yuuri had leaned up, resting his face against Viktor’s and pressing their lips together.

 

“I--ah, ow,” Yuuri winced when Viktor’s tongue brushed the gash on his own.

 

“You’re bleeding,” Viktor murmured. “Are you sure? This isn’t--”

 

“Viktor!” Yuuri protested. “I swear I want it, now stop asking me if I’m okay and tell me how to do this!”

 

Viktor swallowed. “All right,” he said, his voice sounding uncertain for the first time that evening. “When you were out...I didn’t know how long it would be until you woke up, or if you would still want to--,” he flushed and stopped.

 

“What are you saying?” Yuuri whispered, his mind already chanting terrible possibilities at him.

 

“I sort of...prepared things already,” Viktor said, his cheeks flaming red now.

 

“I don’t understand,” Yuuri said.

 

Viktor pushed himself up on his elbows and Yuuri scrambled back to give him space, watching the uncategorizable expression that crossed Viktor’s face. He bent and pulled down his pants, wriggling his hips a little to get them off. Yuuri stared for a moment, dazed, then as though realizing for the first time what they were about to do, took off his own and threw them to the side.

 

He laid down on the bed beside Viktor, who wrapped a hand around Yuuri’s hip and drew him closer. “You’ll understand if you look,” Viktor breathed, drawing Yuuri towards him for another kiss.

 

“I--um…” Yuuri mumbled, his cheeks reddening. He squeezed his eyes shut.

 

“Look with your hand,” Viktor amended, noticing the blush that crept up Yuuri’s face. “Put your hand like this,” he whispered between kisses, placing Yuuri’s hand on the inside of his thigh.

 

“Now higher,” Viktor encouraged, as Yuuri started to move his hand, sketching out little circles on Viktor’s skin.  “Higher,” he said, and Yuuri traced higher and higher, until his fingers brushed--

 

“Oh,” Yuuri said. “Oh. You--” He gazed into Viktor’s eyes in wonder. “How did you possibly--”

 

“I’m sorry. It was probably terribly insensitive, but...I was doing this while you were sleeping off your panic attack,” Viktor replied. “I wanted you so badly, and you were right there but also _gone_ , and I thought about your hands and...well. Things got a little out of control.”

 

Yuuri brushed his fingertips gently along the smooth glass surface, not daring to push or pull at it. “I’m back now,” he breathed. “Tell me what to do.”

 

“Take it out,” Viktor said. “Slow. It’s--ah--,” he gasped as Yuuri, trying to get a hold on the tiny edge of glass, inadvertently pushed it farther in. “Ohh, you wicked Katsudon. Take it out, I say, and you give me more of it.”

 

“Sorry, sorry!” Yuuri hastily found a grip on the bit of glass and tugged at it. “Is that okay?”

 

Viktor moaned as the thick glass slid against him, and Yuuri froze.

 

“Viktor, please. Tell me if it’s okay,” he pleaded. “I don’t want to--” Viktor pulled Yuuri back down on top of him with his free hand, cutting off his words with a kiss, drawing Yuuri’s sore tongue back into his mouth, sucking and nibbling at it.

 

“Keep going,” Viktor breathed. “I need you, Katsudon.”

 

“Ah-all right,” Yuuri stuttered into the kiss, closing his eyes and giving the glass another pull. It gradually came free, centimeters at a time, and when it was all the way out Yuuri pulled his head away from Viktor’s to look at it. “I can’t believe this,” he said, quietly, almost to himself. “You did this.” He set it on the sheet almost reverently.

 

“I did, and now it’s your turn,” Viktor reminded him. “Here,” he said, finding a bottle on the nightstand blind with his hand, never taking his eyes off Yuuri’s. He emptied the bottle into his hand, then wrapped his hand around Yuuri, warming him.

 

“V-viktor now what?” Yuuri asked though he was pretty sure he knew what came next. If Viktor said it, then he thought he would be able to do it, but his stomach was suddenly rebelling again and that noise was in his ears and _oh fucking fuck_ it was starting again.

 

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s voice was sharp and cracked through the rising fog and noise, a lightning bolt of clarity and focus. “Stay with me.”

 

“Ahh. I’m still here, Viktor,” Yuuri gasped. “It’s--it’s a lot. I’m still here.”

 

“You know what to do now,” Viktor said, leaning up to kiss him on the nose.

 

“I--” Yuuri tried to breathe through the smothering tide and failed. He shook his head, unable to speak.

 

“Together,” Viktor said firmly, wrapping both his and Yuuri’s free hands around Yuuri together, hooking a leg around Yuuri’s back and pulling him closer. “Like this--”

 

“Ah-oh, Viktor,” Yuuri shuddered, able to breathe again as the tightness closed around him, as Viktor wiggled his wet hand out from between the two of them and wrapped it around Yuuri’s back, crushing him into himself. “Oh, Viktor.”

 

“Mmm,” Viktor agreed, closing his eyes. “Let me know when you can--” _Move,_ he had been about to say, but a powerful snap of Yuuri’s hips suddenly pushed the breath out of him and he couldn’t finish the sentence.

 

“ _Viktor,_ ” Yuuri said again, awe in his voice. “You---oh. Is this too fast--oh, I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t--” He chanted the words with each push, drawing back and then surging forward, deeper each time, and Viktor was saying something but he couldn’t understand the words, he could hear only the love and pride in Viktor’s voice, and suddenly it was too much, and Viktor was sobbing below him and his vision went bright, too bright, and everything was sunlight and warmth.

 

\--

 

“Ohhh, you wicked Katsudon,” Viktor was murmuring, rubbing a hand along Yuuri’s back to wake him gently. “You wicked, wicked Katsudon.”

 

“Viktor,” Yuuri mumbled, trying to lift himself onto his elbows and failing completely, flopping back down on top of Viktor. “I--”

 

“You better not be about to apologise for _any_ part of the utterly spectacular sex we just had,” Viktor declared.

 

“I uh, I’m not then.” Yuuri said, sheepish.

 

“Good.” Viktor tapped a finger against Yuuri’s lips. “You are a marvel, Katsuki Yuuri. An absolute wonder.”

 

Yuuri rolled to the side, squirming so that his head was next to Viktor’s on the pillow. “I shouldn’t be this tired,” he yawned.

 

“You deserve a rest,” Viktor whispered. “Besides, I’m not far behind you.”

 

Yuuri snuggled into Viktor’s neck, one hand curled into Viktor’s, the other the other out to his side beneath the blankets, and within seconds both of them were snoring.

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since episode 11, when Yuuri did that totally toppy, out-of-control smirk/glare at Viktor at the beginning of his On Love: Eros skate, the idea of a softe!top!Yuuri has been poking at my brain. I felt like there had to be a way for him to be as toppy as he looked in that scene while not resorting to what those of us in the Sherlock fandom call dfp (dark fuck prince), and then I had a block of time this afternoon and just started writing and after several rounds of editing, this is what happened.
> 
> Ummmm so this is the first time I've ever written anything explicit, so I'm sorry if it was awful. I don't know what happened. My hand slipped and all this smut just came out I guess. PLEASE let me know what you think!


End file.
